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Excellent textbook references:





  • Valet Parking

    Donald S. Roberts
    Valet Parking Service
    1431 Huntington Drive
    South Pasadena CA 91030
    626-799-9510

  • Jewish Humor

    Definition of:

    Circumvent (n): the opening in the front of Boxer shorts


    Oyster (n): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddush expressions


    Click here for funny link: Jewish Clothing styles for a bris
    ****************************

    A New Car

    A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

    After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

    A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

    The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

    ****************************

    It was Rosh Hashanah morning, and the Rabbi noticed little Adam was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Adam."

    "Good morning, Rabbi," replied the youngster, still focused on the plaque.

    Finally, Adam asks, "Rabbi, what is this?

    "Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service."

    Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

    Adam's voice was barely audible when he asked: "Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?"

    ****************************

    About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

    An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

    Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe."What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

    "And then?" asked a woman.

    "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

    ****************************

    JEWISH HAIKU

     

    After the warm rain,

    the sweet smell of camellias.

    Did you wipe your feet?

     

    Her lips near my ear,

    Aunt Sadie whispers the name

    of her friend's disease.

     

    Looking for pink buds

    to prune, the old mohel wanders

    among his flowers.



    Tea ceremony

    Fragrant steam perfumes the air

    Try the cheese Danish.



    The same Kimono

    the Top Geishas are wearing

    Got it at Loehmann's.

     

    Today I am a man.

    Tomorrow, I will return

    to seventh grade.

     

    Testing the warm milk

    on her wrist, she sighs softly.

    But her son's forty.

     

    The sparkling blue sea

    reminds me to wait an hour

    after my sandwich.

     

    A cat steals into

    the night just like my former

    partner, that gonif.

     

    Beyond Valium,

    the peace of knowing one's child

    is an internist.

     

    Coroner's report:

    "The deceased, wearing no hat,

    caught his death of cold."

     

    The sparrow brings home

    too many worms for her young.

    "Force yourself," she chirps.

     

    Today, mild shvitzing.

    Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.

    Five-day forecast -- feh.

     

    A lovely nose-ring --

    excuse me while I put my

    head in the oven.

     

    Hard to tell under

    the lights: white yarmulke or

    male pattern baldness?

     


    The Shiva visit

    So sorry about your loss.

    Now back to my problems.



    Is one Nobel Prize

    so much to ask from a child

    after all I've done?

    ***************************************


    A BIT OF A MIX-UP...

     

    A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was
    perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.

    "What's up doc?" he asked nervously.

    "Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon.

    "I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis."

     

    "What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"

     

    "Oh, I'm sure you will, reassured the doctor, "Only it'll be somebody else's!"



    ***************************************************



    Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun

    advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied

    for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

     

    "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

     

    The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny

    box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell

    to the floor, neatly divided in two!

     

    "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

     

    The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped

    forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *

    Swish! ' Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

     

    "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?"

     

    Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny

    box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and 'Swooooooshi * flourished

    his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly

    was still buzzing around!

     

    In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of

    skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

     

    "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision ... THAT takes skill!




    ***********************************


    THE MERCHANT

    Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant in Brooklyn.

    He lives next door to the biggest anti-semite in town. One day the anti-semite says,

    "Hey, Jew!!! I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of

    your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."

    Abe says, "Ok." The next morning the anti-semite is awakened at 7 am by

    the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row of trucks

    lined up one after the other dumping truckful after truckful of orange

    yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange

    yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-semite. The guy

    starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this? This is not

    what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of

    your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have

    to say for yourself?" Straightfaced, Abe replies, "I'm very careful when

    I deal with people like you, I may be off by a few miles but after my Bris,

    the tip of my penis was left in Poland."


    *************************************************




    MOM'S ADVICE:

    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the

    class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying

    attention.

     

    She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed

    and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was

    quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

     

    He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He

    did it and returned to his class.

     

    Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back

    to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis

    hanging out.

     

    "I thought I told you to call your mom," She screamed.

     

    "I did," He said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till

    noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

    *************************************************
    Texas Baby

     

    A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

     

    Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of

    "WOW!" were heard. A women faints due to sympathy pains.

     

    Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're

    the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

     

    How much does he weigh now?"

     

    The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds.

     

    "The bartender is puzzled. "Why? What happened? He already weighed

    25 pounds at birth?"

     

    The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,"Had him circumcised."

    ***************************************************




    A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is

    upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he

    devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and

    checks into a hotel.

     

    He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant

    and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's

    eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called

    from across the restaurant.

     

    He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching.

    His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!

     

    Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver

    tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

    The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says,

    "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"

     

 


Please contact Dr. Kogen's office for more detailed information and reference list.

Note: A $100 ceremony cancellation fee will be charged if a Bris Certificate is ordered prior to cancellation. Certificate is only available directly thru Dr. Kogen and is included in the use of his services.

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